Starship Troopers: 16 years later, still bullshit

12 Jan

So surfing on demand, I was able to watch Starship Troopers from start to finish for the second time since middle school. Perhaps I am a little bit older and wiser, but I still say that if viewed with the right mindset…it could still be considered a good, self-depricating, snarky movie. However, some problems.

1) Right off the bat. Denise Richards, a pilot? No fucking way. First off, she is not that smart and two, she was married to the Sheen for at least four years. Clearly she would be at least 10 minutes late when trying to hit the eject button.

2) The Rico family lives in Buenos Aires. I can understand that. But literally, when did the indigenous population get replaced with Laguna Beach? This is total bullshit. There’s no way that family does not live within a 50 mile radius of Rodeo Drive.

3) What the fuck sport were they playing? Arena Football? Furnished basement ball? There are somethings that are sacred to White Caucasian society, and that is high school sports. Basketball, Baseball, Football, Soccer, Hockey, Lacrosse. That’s it. No other dude sport should be played in that movie. It’d be more credible if they were playing beach volleyball in jeans, Top Gun style. It’s Buenos Aires anyway right? The only way that retard of a hybrid sport is played is if the NFL lockout lasted at least a century.

4) Why does Michael Ironside have to be the asshole in every Sci Fi movie?

5) When Rico gets killed and then gets the Luke Skywalker treatment. Clearly this was already done like, 20 years ago BRO. Somebody shoulda checked themselves before tossing that idea at the writers’ meeting.

6) Gary Busey’s son playing Gary Busey’s son. Literally, so terrible he’s great. When I think of the romantics, the age of romanticism, I think of Jake Busey in Starship Troopers. Absolute Tommy Tutone type performance. One and done.

and finally,

7) The Unisex Shower scene. No fucking way. Seriously no way. I don’t care how much of a military industrial complex your human society gets, this shit will never happen. We’re all soldiers ya ya ya ya no freaking way. Even a co-ed pool party is dangerous grounds, you’re telling me they’re toweling off together???

These kids were all chatty and shit, no way, that’d be the most silent shower in the history of showers. Just straight hungry eyes everywhere. Now as improbable as this is of happening, it did give most guys my age their first showing of teet via Dizzy Flores. Booya, I’ll take her over Denise Richards everyday.


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