I’ve created my fantasy Entourage roster

12 Jan

I’ve been contemplating this for some time since the premier of the HBO show of Entourage way back when. However, as opposed to bringing my boys from home, and believe me there are bro’s I will bring out when I hit the Powerball or Mega Millions, these are the dudes that I would definitely be in the limo on the way to Caesar’s Palace.

Never has a man, ultimate power forward in his time, totally transcended the accomplishments on the playing field as Charles Barkley has in the commentary booth. Barkley will tell myself and the crew when to shut the hell up, organize various questionable women, and will no doubt involve gambling into the equation. A solid pick as the “You won’t do it, you pussy” role. Absolute Big Man, playing the 5 for my squad.

Next up, Willem Dafoe. A lot of people are going to be surprised by this pick. Let me explain. First of all, we need a guy that is going to DD when it comes to getting us from point A to point B, we need a guy that will bail us out of jail, a bro that will lend us cash when we’re out of money, and most importantly will help me when I get separated from the rest of the crew. He’s the stable one, he’s the glue, but also, if shit goes down, I want Sgt. Elias/Green Goblin on my side. No doubt he will pull a knife and just go bat shit crazy if really provoked. Totally necessary to keep this guy in the fold.

Dave Attell, the consummate dirty comedian. Although Barkley and the rest of my picks are loaded with comedic talents, Dave will be able to continuously spout foul language and needs to no time to adjust to surroundings. He’s also the type of dude that will find the weird homeless guy or various other questionable character for our crew to engage in conversation/folly. Having hosted Insomniac, he’ll also be able to find anything to do at night no matter where we are are in the world. He’ll know where to get crazy and will be the mouthpiece/jester of the crew.

Pierece Brosnan. 007. Perhaps better looking than me. Total gentleman. Irish. Now granted, he might steal from some thunder from me, but there’s no way when I need the go to wingman I am bringing with me Willem or Attell. At some point, fame won’t count and I need a total dude to role 2 on 2 with. Not to mention, once again, if shit goes down, who is going to fuck with James Bond and a foaming from the mouth Willem Defoe? Yeah, didn’t think so.

The Bullpen:

Now granted a TRUE entourage is really 4 dudes. But you know what, I don’t care. This is my roster and I need to fill it out. Here are the boys that I will gladly float in and out of the starting 5.

Alec Baldwin, total 5 tool utility player right here. He can totally get weird with Charles and I, discuss random shit with Willem, drink scotch at the bar with Pierce, and without question get rowdy rowdy weird/drunk with Dave. He’s also had his share of TMZ voicemails leaked so I know he can totally kick ass. Let’s not forget he’s the most famous of his brothers, so he’s totally into the bro-hood mentality. Solid pinch hit right here or if Pierce goes on the DL.

Bill Walton is a total game changer. The Manu Ginobli of my line up. This guy will entice everyone with his post UCLA day glory that will no doubt give us ripe material to riff off of. Bill Walton is the guy we will be peeing our pants quoting the next day. The other thing that’s important about Bill is that he probably won’t go after any chicks and will most likely go to bed early. That’s fine, come in, do your job, then back to the bench. He’s also the type of quack that will order an amazing breakfast spread or have the most sound munchies for us to have when we return from the abyss of going out. Not to mention, I could listen to this guy tell any story ever. He’ll make even the most benign drinking tale sound like a passage from Leviticus. Can’t miss pick here.

John Kruk. Pure magic. We need a fat dude. It’s kind of a unwritten rule in the bro society. Not necessarily a bad looking dude, but somebody needs to be the heavy dude and I’m not counting Charles. Kruky is the dude who will be loading up on the free buffet, 25 cent wings, and will be ordering Bud Heavies. Fuck Nutrisystem. Also important is that he will most likely be the dude who we play the practical jokes on. The antiquing, warm water treatment. Bill walton will find a way to find some spider from East Timor and put it in his room, with us giggling locking the door from outside. Most importantly, John Kruk is probably the most normal person on the team. Without question. Can’t have all oddballs and crazies on the team. There has to be a few dudes that will just laugh and not try and banter.

Finally, Jeff Van Gundy. Another interesting pick. He’s my guy on the bench where I don’t know how he’ll fit in. I traded prospects to get him. At times he has great commentary, but I don’t know if he’s going to go full throttle with us. That being said, he could totally knock it out of the park. The dude that gets way too drunk at karaoke, the short guy that starts a fight, the one guy that doesn’t want to go somewhere. He’s totally necessary to the team. He’s like our little brother, maybe even rookie status. I’m not sure, but I’m taking this guy into battle. He’s our Corporal Upham. He’s the guy that makes sure that our room gets comped or we get the best deal, maybe he books our travel plans. Who knows. All I know is, I need him.


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