Spartacus returns and I demand a children’s UFC/Gladitorial league

11 Jan

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So Spartacus returns to Starz next week and if you have never seen the show AT&T has the entire series on demand. If you love Game of Thrones and or Gladiator, this series is that on BALCO type stuff. More violence and nudity than any show I’ve ever seen and that’s including Cinemax late night. In any case,  I’ve often tried to get into UFC but for whatever reason I’ll always be a WWE guy and I think most of these UFC guys are just kids that couldn’t hit the curve ball in little league and thus were forced to take up extreme sports. That’s just me, though. The way I figure it, there’s so many kids taking karate, why not create a league out of it? Sponsorships from NERF, Capri-Sun? Tell me your favorite videos on YouTube aren’t when kids go apeshit on each other? That’s right, it is.

In any case, like the NwO, gladiators belonged to houses or a ludus and fought gladiators from other luduses in the arena. If they survive to age 13, they are released from the contract and given their freedom. Boom. For me, here’s who is in my ludus:



Charlie. Raw talent. Taking on kids older than him, not to mention his own flesh blood from the start. Fearless. Laughing in their wake. My superstar of the future.

odoyle bros


The O’Doyle brothers. A natural fit, great bloodline, fearlessness, always great to have some anti-heroes on your squad. Stuffing kids in trash barrels. Natural leaders of my ludus.



Yes, the fat kid from Bad Santa. A bit of a wild card? Yes. Could he turn out to be a Kwame Brown in the making? Sure. But you can’t deny the heart of a champion:


Billy Elliot. Sure Boxing may not have been his thing, but the kid move like the wind. Give him a trident and this kid is going to be pure death.



The black kid from Grown Ups. A piercing gaze, proficiency in video games, and a mouth like a sailor. This kid is going to get into opponents heads, taunt them till they make a mistake. Kill shot.


And finally, my instructor or doctorai, usually a retired gladiator, in this case Child actor:



Yes, that’s right. Jonathon Lipnicki. He’s been there, he’s done it, got the notoriety to prove it. Look at that physique, he’ll have these kids in shape in no time and will whip them if they try and make any sort of human head comment. There’s my team, destined for glory in the arena.



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